Truth

Life is not the same for me as it was before last Thursday, 26th Nov. It will never be the same now. I lost my cousin sister, Mona. Everything seems to be so stand-still. The fact that she is not there, is just not sinking in. She was merely a year older than me and we were childhood buddies. In fact, I wrote about some of our child-hood memories here:

http://fakegaurav.blogspot.com/2007/10/walk-down-memory-lane.html

And she kept asking me to write more about her, which I never did. She is stamped everywhere on my childhood. She regularly called me and we used to have long chats about almost everything.She was my friend and my guide.Being of almost the same age, we had a wonderful rapport with each other. There are so many incidents, so many things, so much life that I had shared with her. There are so many rakhis and so many gifts. There is so much to say to her, to listen from her. And in a moment, everything has halted. I am shocked at this brutality of destiny. This is the biggest reality-check I have received from life. Just 6 days back, I had tweeted , "Arre bhaiya! All is well" and a day after everything hit back.A phone call changed everything- my perspective, my thinking, me as a person.

How can I believe that Mona will never call me again? She was perfectly fine. Very healthy. Very happy. She was a wonderful person who genuinely cared for everyone around her. I am not saying this because I am her brother but even as a third person, I feel she was one finest people I know. She always tried to bridge gaps between the feuding family members, never held grudges for anything and always brightened the environment by her presence. She was full of love and empathy, completely untouched by any kind of ego problem. She comfortably fitted into every role - daughter, sister, a friend, wife and a mother.Writing about her in past tense is making me feel so horrible. For the past few days, we were talking about my new born son. She suggested me several names and we made fun, laughed our hearts out. And now just thinking about her 11 month old son, makes me shiver. How will he live now? I had always knew the importance of a mother but now watching my son with my wife, I don't have words to describe this relationship. A mother can never be replaced by anyone. I don't know what to do. Whom to blame. I feel so helpless and so much angry. My sensibilities have completely changed. I am afraid and aghast.

Yesterday, I deleted Mona's phone number from my mobile.I can not see her now. I can not hear her voice, her smile. Never. I now realize the real meaning of 'never'. Never means never ever. This is so much awful to accept but this is the truth. Perhaps, this is the only truth. Life is a dream, a myth that will end but nobody knows when. It looks so dramatic but its the only stark reality that our time is limited. May be we should always be on our toes, never take anything or anyone for granted, never lose any single moment to be close to our loved ones, never delay to say our sorrys and thank-yous, to smile, to feel grateful, to help, to live because we are running in an already lost race. Death will outrun us all. 

:(

Gurukul

                                                                         

Its 4:45 PM already. Only 15 minutes are left. I am feeling very sad. Its the worst part of the day because I am going to miss my favourite show on TV. My mother is doing something in the kitchen, doing something non-sense for sure. My younger brother is playing with his toys in the living area. I am here in my study room waiting for my Tution Sir to arrive. He comes daily at 5:00 PM and never skips even once. I wonder he never falls ill also.

My name is Surbhi and I study in 6th Standard in Radha Krishan Public School.Its very near to my home.I don't like to study at this time because this is exactly the time when 'Tom & Jerry' show starts on Cartoon Network. How can my mom do this to me? Because of this tution, now I am daily missing it. I wept and cried but she did not listen. I missed my meals too but she did not melt. And she calls me a stubborn. It is she who is stubborn. I don't understand many things about elders. Most of the times, they behave stubbornly but call me stubborn.

My tution sir, though I hate his time of arrival, is good.At least he is better than my mother. He brings me chocolates because I told him once that I like chocolates(I wanted to tell him that I like Tom and Jerry but my mother frowned at me from kitchen. So I told him about chocolates) But I am not able to understand many of his things also. Probably, I am not that good at studies or understanding things. Few days back, he was teaching me a lesson 'Changes around us' from my Science text-book. He taught that when we boil water, its temperature increases.At high temperatures, the minute organisms like bacteria are not able to survive. Thats why, we should boil our drinking water. He told that this is also the reason why we should eat cooked vegetables. However, next day we were reading another chapter named 'Common Diseases and Their Causes'. He told that virus and bacteria are majorly responsible for many diseases and cause high fever. Now thats what I am confused about. The day before, he told that at high temperatures, the bacteria and virus die but the very next day he told that bacteria and virus cause fever. But fever should kill the virus because fever causes body temperature to rise and at high temperatures, virus can not survive. I am so confused. When I asked my teacher, he stuttered something and told that I am not understanding things.Infact, he became a little angry on me, though he rarely becomes angry.

Similarly once, while teaching the chapter 'Basic Algebra' from my Mathematics textbook, he told that multiplication is nothing but addition. Though, this seemed very difficult to understand in the begining but I think I got it. I understood that when we multiply 2 and 3, the result is 6 which can also be achieved by adding 2, 3 times or by adding 3, 2 times. My teacher became very happy when I expressed my understanding with him. But then, when he told me about the multiplication of negative numbers, I got very confused. I can not understand that why the multiplication of two negative numbers gives positive result. When I asked him, he looked sideways and said that I am not understanding and I should learn it and I ask too many stupid questions.I swear I try to learn very hard. I finish my homework on time. On somedays, I even skip playing with my best friend Niyati in the evening, to study and understand. But I am not able to understand many things and it makes me feel very bad from inside. I am missing my favourite TV shows, missing playing with my friends, getting scolded by my Mom, making my teacher angry on me and not understanding my lessons properly.

My mother is greeting somebody. I think my teacher has arrived.

 

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Its 4:45 PM. I have to leave, to teach a little girl in just few minutes. The sun is seting but it seems as though it is struggling to do so, amidst these huge residential buildings. I almost always feel little pesky butterflies in my stomach at this hour of the day. My name is Akash and I am doing graduation in Electrical Engineering. To have a little additional easy hand for spending money, I decided to take tutions. I have a class mate Rubina and I like her very much. I feel she is just on the verge of becoming my girl-friend. These additional bucks are helping me to cement that possibility.

But I had never imagined that it would be so difficult to teach a 6th Standard child. I thought it would be a cakewalk to just go there, narrate a few lines from her English book, do some simple addition subtraction stuff, make her learn the names of the planets and things like that and walk away with handful of bucks every month. But I believe my father is right. Earning money is not so simple. This child seems to be a prodigy. Her curiosity is almost killing me. She is so much original in her thoughts and has infinite questions in her store. I am literally puzzled by a number of her questions and I don't know how to answer and what to answer. Once I was teaching her a chapter named "Early Man's Life" from her history book. I told her that early men did not know how to count. They used some pebbles to keep track of the number of sheep they owned. So, once the sheep returned from the forest after grazing, they could count them with the help of pebbles. She immediately asked ,"Sir, if they could count the pebbles, why were they not counting the sheep directly?" I was left awestruck. I didnt had an answer. And I have regularly found myself in such situations with her. She can ask anything. Why do 2 negative numbers give positive result on multiplication? Why can't we see GOD? Why do hairs turn white with age? Why are planets round in shape? Why the ceiling fan rotates anti-clockwise but the table fan rotates clockwise? (I could'nt answer it in spite of my  Electrical Engineering Degree. Infact, I never realized that the ceiling fan rotates anti-clockwise while the table fan rotates clockwise). So many unanswerable whys. I can not answer all this stuff. I am a person with a very limited intelligence who just want to spend more and more time with Rubina and get a decent job after engineering. Thats it. I know about certain facts but I am short of ideas. I don't care that why planets are round in shape and not square. May be she will also not care when she grows up. I feel guilty when I try to save myself by claiming her to be the culprit of not learning properly. Its a very uneasy feeling because she innocently agrees to me. My conscience pokes me hard.

Surbhi is a lovely girl. Very charming sometimes. I occasionally bring her choclates and her big eyes brighten up when when she takes them. She often tells me about the day she spends in school. I know now, that her school maths' teacher has a long nose, a boy in her class named Saksham, steals food from other children's lunch boxes and there is a mango tree in her school under which she planted one of her milk-teeth. She loves painting and I plan to gift her a set of liquid colors on her birthday next week. I wish her innocence and intelligence never gets corrupted with time and by teachers like me.

An 'un'noble Idea!

Barack Obama is given this year's Nobel Peace Prize. This prize came as surprise to me. Infact, my jaw was dropped. I was just thinking about what may be the reasons behind the selection of Obama for this prestigious award. No doubt, he has emerged as the hope of millions of people. He is the face of a very promising 'CHANGE'. He set an example of extraordinary spirit and grit by becoming the first non-white president of the most powerful nation of the earth. He has a charismatic personality and possesses a silver tongue. His speeches inspire millions of minds and infuse light into millions of hearts. He is a 'mass-mover' and symbolizes co-operation and fraternity. Inspite of a very hostile attitude of the West towards the Islamic world, he dared to extend an hand of friendship and possibly meant it. He is in progress of creating a healthy international political climate and international diplomacy. Overall, he seems to be a extremely able leader and a genuine good human being.

But thats it! Thats all! Do all these qualities qualify him to join the league of Wangari Maathai, Shirin Ebadi, Kim Dae Jung, Aung San, Mother Teresa and others? He has completed just 9 months of his presidency and he still is possibly working on realizing all the promises he made to the people and all the hopes that he raised. But, I guess, this implementation is still too far. There are still American troops in Iraq. Afganistan is still reeling in blood. No nuclear country including India is ready for disarmament. No notorious militant group has stopped its activities. The terror-vulnerable countries are still being attacked intermittingly. So what has he practically done for world peace? This time, it looks like he has been awarded only for his image and passion. The Nobel commitee was in a bit of hurry this time......

Different Strokes

(A scene from Room No.203, Kalpana Chavla Girls Hostel, South Campus, Delhi University - Time- 5:35 PM)

Jiya: Hey! What happened. You don't look your usual self. Looks like, that guy with blue eyes, in your class, was not distracted by you today.

Sehar: Jiya..... I am not in a mood for your 'happy-go-lucky' jokes right now.

Jiya: O O!! What happened. You are upset at something.

Sehar: Do you know, where I am coming from?

Jiya: From your economics class. Isn't that right?

Sehar: No, that's not right. I am coming from a dharna against our college management. You were not here for past few days and hence you don't know a fig about the turn of events that have taken place in the college.

Jiya: I had heard something in the morning about a bunch of fanatics who are demanding some stupid provisions to postpone the timings of their few classes for some idiotic religious reasons. These nerds...... there are always some jerks who try to corrupt the college environment in one way or the other.

Sehar(with eyes wide open filled with anger): My GOD Jiya. How can you so feelinglessly describe the whole situation in 1 fu*king stupid sentence. You don't know anything about the whole goddamn thing and you have concluded that these people are 'fanatics' and their demands are 'stupid' and their motives are 'idiotic' religious reasons. For your very kind information madam, your room-mate, thats me, is the same 'fanatic' supporting these 'stupid' demands for 'idiotic' motives. So do you have any problems? Do you want to complain? Do you want to throw me out of this room? You insensitive 'majority' shit.

(Jiya is dumbstruck. Silence prevails for next few minutes)

Jiya: I am sorry Sehar. I didn't know, you are so much involved with this. We are best friends and will always remain the same. Please tell me the whole thing. Have a glass of water. I am so sorry, darling.

Sehar(cools down): Sorry Jiya. I am just so upset. Forgive me for speaking those foul words and calling you the 'majority' shit. I don't know how my heart has got filled with so much hatred, with so much anger.I have become so bitter and perhaps, so broken.

Jiya(Massages Sehar's back while handing over the glass of water): Don't you worry for anything. Tell me what it is all about.

Sehar(Sipping a drop of water from the glass): You know, this is a very holy month for the people of our community.We need to offer prayer many times compulsorily and practise very staunch fasting all through the day for 1 month.Some of us, infact most of us, are facing problems in our morning prayers due to our early classes' schedule. All members of our community of college demanded the management to shift and adjust the morning classes' timings for 1 month so that it does not clashes with our rituals.Its as simple as this.But the college management refuted this demand outwardly. They didn't listen and some of them said few things that hurted the religious sentiments.Hence, we are protesting. And you know Jiya, there is not only this 1 thing. This is just a small peck of spark that is making me burn. There is a whole storm of fire which I am able to sense now.Its a question of our identity. I am shocked to discover that so many things were happening around me and my eyes were closed.Where was I? In some stupid, imaginative world of equality, fraternity and co-operation. But I am able to discern reality now.A stark reality that quantifies the differences.The difference between the majority and the minority.The difference between the oppressor and the oppressed.The difference between the right and the wrong.

Jiya(with some worried and awful expressions on her face): Sehar, thats deep. What has happened to you?As far as I know you, you were never so much inclined towards religion.I am totally surprised, may be confused now. You appear to be so different. Remember, the other nights, we were discussing about the evils and hardships that all religions of this world have infused especially on women.How, the few cunning people, have crippled the civic and human sense of society and made people fight and kill each other in the name of religion, for their own greedy motives.I don't want to repeat all that stuff that we mutually hold about religion in our minds. And that's one of the reasons we like each other.We don't believe in the bullshit of religion and the unnecessary rituals that are enforced due to it.We agreed that this ten thousand year old definition of religion needs an astounding revision in the context of this modern, liberal world. Don't we? What has got into you? Why are we discussing this crap.Infact, now I am thinking that you will demand for burqas to be allowed in college. You will hate me if I tend to discuss 'sex' with you. Isn't it so? Holy crap!! What has bitten you?

Sehar: You are getting it all wrong Jiya. Its true that I have never been a staunch religious person. And you know that I am not fasting this month. I am a person who lives with choice. I am supporting these people because I think they are doing no wrong. Their demands are not going to hurt anyone. Whats wrong with a little adjustment in normal routine for only 1 month? And religion has been the basis of mankind from the beginning itself. There are few problems with beliefs and rituals - I agree but in this case, there is no problem of any kind. You tell me. Whats wrong with this?

Jiya: There is nothing superficially wrong with this. But if a system is already in shape, its running fine, why to tinker with it. We are here to study and students from all communities must realize this. Our caste or our religion has no role to play in this. There are already enough holidays given to people of all religions. But now a demand for adjustment in class timings.... it does not makes any sense. If all people from different communities start making such demands for 1 reason or other, it will be a mess all around. There can't be any stable solution and if there is, it will be a very complex one.

Sehar: Jiya, I am not talking about a handful of people here. I am talking about some 200-250 students and I believe this number is sufficient to be able to demand for a little change in an establishment for a noble cause. It will ease the lives of these many. Doesn't this makes sense? I will be surprised if it does not. Education is an inseparable part of a civic society but it is meant to function with the overall scheme of things. But I think you will not understand this. You are at the other side of the line. The line of this division. And you know Jiya, this is not just about a small adjustment in the class timings. It has opened a can of worms for me. I am able to feel the injustice inflicted on innocent people in the form of false encounters in the city and ruthless rapes at the border. I am able to delve and discover the links through which these events are connected. That link of community, of minority, of the war of sentiments.

(There is a knock at the door. A small boy enters with 2 cups of tea. He smiles at both the girls, puts the cups at the table and leaves the room)

Jiya (handing over a cup of tea to Sehar): Sehar, just think. If these demands fo r the shift in class timings are accepted, will everything sort out? Will it end the fake encounters or the atrocities of few corrupt army men? No, it will not. There are serious problems with our state politics, with our leaders and probably with our set of beliefs. And I don't know how to handle these problems, to possibly rectify them but I am sure, this demand of yours, is not going to help in any way. It will just be leveraged as a yet another method to sow the seeds of hatred and violence in the hearts of youth. We need to bridge the gaps but this will just go on to create a new kind of rift.

(There is a long silence which is ended by a voice from outside)

A female voice from outside: Jiya, Sehar. Are you coming for dinner?

Jiya: You move on Vidhi. We will join you in a minute.

Sehar(to Jiya): May be you are right and may be I am wrongly linking up this event to the bigger problems that we face. May be I just got carried away. But still, around 250 people are fasting and hence this little demand still stands justified, to me. And I am not saying it to win a point here. I am saying it because I sincerely feel so.

Jiya(Getting up and holding Sehar's hand): I have never doubted your sincerity. May be, they find out a middle way to resolve this issue. Lets unburden ourselves with this and have dinner.

(Sehar moves after Jiya. Her steps are heavy and filled with doubt)

Hello World!

"Hello World!" - exclaimed (I am assuming) my 'just-born' son on Wednesday, 2nd Sep 2009 at 9:59 AM and I finally understood why they name their first computer program as "Hello World".

:)))

I don't know how to put this piece of news into words. Until 4 days back, I was feeling that this is not an extraordinary event going to happen. The world population at this point of time is roughly around 6.5 billion and this event will just add '1' to this already huge number. But now, I am feeling special. Very very special. This is something very different, very unique. This excitement is entirely new. Its different from what you feel when you get your most favourite toy or an ice-cream as a child. Its different from what you feel when you fall in love for the first time. Its different from what you feel when you get your first salary or promotion. I don't know how to describe it. Its something 'pure', may be transcendental.

I was afraid to hold him.Very afraid indeed. I was reluctant, hesitant and restless. As my mother brought him near me, I started looking sideways and refused to hold him. There were so many things that could go wrong. I could hold him too tightly or too loosely. He could slip through my hands. I could slip. Anything could happen. There was a sense of discomfort and fear. I was not confident that I am able to hold him. I had a look on him from a distance and hurried into the labour room to meet my wife.

She was lying on the bed, relaxed, calmed down............victorious. We exchanged smiles and again I was short of words. I do not knew what to say to her. I holded her hand and said,"Thank You". I realized that 'delievering a baby' is one of the most tough and demanding tasks and the women who do it are real stars. They are the real champions and men can never equate their heroics. Deep down my heart, the respect for womanhood has increased manifolds. Though I was aware of this fact but to see my wife going through it for about 9 months, the heavy hormonal changes her body went through, the mood swings, the pains and finally the delivery-this all has humbled me. I am amazed by this marvel of womanhood. Its inexplicable.

All through the day, I was in the process of breaking out this news to friends and relatives. The shades of happiness, surprise and confusion kept sweeping me. I stayed at hospital in the night. The doctors gave a sleeping injection to my wife and she was sound asleep. Baby was lying in an inclined glass-wall nursery bed. I was still afraid to hold him. I glanced at him and took a photo.
I proceeded to the assistant bed and felt the day's fatigue. A little later, I hear ed a feeble sound, like that of a rat. I got up and looked around.No one was there. The baby was producing this sound. I came close to him and watched. He was stunningly small.He was like a bundle of cotton, neatly packed.He opened his eyes slightly.I was terrifically amazed-such small eyes,nose,ears,lips, a fine lining for eyebrows. I was wondering that is he able to breathe through such small nostrils. He moved a little exposing his extremely little fingers out at me.I could see the smaller nails at his little fingers. I wondered, "everything started from a single cell. This was a sample of extreme engineering." I decided to hold him. I looked around. My wife was sleeping. There was no one in the offing. I gathered courage and with utmost care, I tried lifting him. For the first time in my life, I was so much awake, I was so much conscious, I was so much aware, I was so much alert, I was so much responsible. I could hear my breathing. I was aware of every sharp edge, of every pointed thing around me. He was there in my hands. There was a stillness at his face. I realized that he is very safe in my hands. Nothing will happen to him. I was overwhelmed at this thought.

:)

PS: Since, there is no naming convention followed to name new babies, I am finding it difficult to find a name. Please help me doing so with your lovely suggestions. I will keep posting the scenes from my new life. Cheersss!!!!

The new 'evolving' me......

I am feeling very very strange. Last few months have been a roller coaster ride between the highs and lows of happiness, irritation and sometimes confusion.It is being so difficult for me to make myself understand, what I am going through. There is sometimes a sudden rush of joy, love and caring but at times all the good is taken over by fear, anxiety and feelings of incapability. I am not able to focus at home or at work or at play. I am not being able to read anything continuously for more than 15 minutes. I am getting disinterested in almost everything very soon. My mind wanders in an unfamiliar territory. Its like watching and appreciating a very beautiful lake from your window and the next moment, feeling like drowning into the same lake, struggling hard to get oxygen.

There seems to be a paradigm shift in my observation and understanding of things. Things are getting re-prioritized and changes seem inevitable. I feel uncertain and overwhelmed.Few things that were crap and disgusting and hence unessential for me a year ago, are slowly making sense to me. I am realizing the 'newly-found' importance of those things and they are no-more a laughing matter.They need attention and I am giving it.

Am I finally 'growing up'? Or am I afraid and want to run away? Probably, things will take a more clear shape this Wednesday.......

Say NO to Drugs and Shoplifting

And the reason is......................